My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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