He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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