Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize