Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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