Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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