i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize