Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
