Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
