dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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