I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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