Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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