i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
