She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
