I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
someone owes me an orgasm
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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