Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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