I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
