YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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