saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
