I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We are all done wearing pants today
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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