My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
