3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
