I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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