one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Someone signed my nipple.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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