Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
