Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
