Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
