Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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