My liver just broke up with me...
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
