the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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