i just sent this text using only my big toe
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
