I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
