Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
