its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
