i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
