You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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