Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
