Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize