She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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