I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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