I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
