Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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