Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
