Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
