I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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