He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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