I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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