he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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