hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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