so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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