my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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