remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So vagazzling was a success
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
