So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
