I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
send nudes
from the living room?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
