Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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