if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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