im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
