How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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