I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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