you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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