also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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